Forgiveness

(Part 3 of 3)

In Part 1 of Forgiveness we took a look at forgiveness for others as a process of self-forgiveness. In Part 2 we looked at the things that we can do to hasten the process. In Part 3  we will look at two exercises that are more external in focus, yet are ones that can assist us in moving toward the goal of forgiveness.

The first exercise requires that we be realistic about our own level of rage. We can’t really forgive someone for something that we don’t believe should be forgiven. We can try, but it won’t work. However, the process of forgiveness can be started by beginning to pardon the other person for all the things with which we can angrily agree. For instance, we can say I forgive the offender for:

Ø  being so blind

Ø  being so insecure

Ø  being so dishonest

Ø  being so sadistic

Ø  being so childish

Ø  being so needy

Ø  being so immature

Ø  being so pathetic

Ø  being so scared

Ø  being so disgusting

Ø  being so manipulative

Ø  being so disabled

Ø  being so out of control

Ø  being so sick

Ø  being so perverted

Ø  being so dependent

Ø  being so punitive

Ø  being so impulsive

Ø  being so weak

Ø  being so numb

Ø  being so unable to see me

Ø  being so able to disregard the destruction he/she wrought

Ø  being so overcome with self-hatred

Ø  being so easily embarrassed and subject to others’ judgments

Ø  being such a failure

Ø  being so unconscious and unaware

Ø  being so cruel and mean

Ø  being such an immature baby

Ø  being so selfish

Ø  having no inner mastery over what he/she intellectually knows

Ø  being so paranoid

Ø  being so prone to shame and embarrassment

Ø  having a lack of courage; for running away, turning tail

Ø  having so much pathology

Ø  having the inability to hide who he/she really is

Ø  fearing loss

Ø  fearing what I might see in him/her

Ø  fearing my personal power

Ø  feeling intimidated by me

Ø  trying to level the playing field by misusing his/her own power

Ø  constantly putting me in double-bind, no-win situations

Ø  relishing my weaknesses

This list helps us develop an awareness of just how pathological or immature our abuser is. Even if we can’t fully forgive our abuser for his/her pathology and immaturity, the list will aid us in our efforts to view things realistically rather than pretend that everything was our fault.

The second practical exercise that we can do to start the process of forgiveness while we’re still extremely angry is to imagine ourselves beating up our abuser physically and verbally. It will be beneficial to observe our own sadism as we relish the beating. This will help us begin to take responsibility for our sadism, which will hasten our forgiveness. However, what helps even more is to imagine how the offender is receiving our beating. Does it almost seem as though we’re beating a child? Does it seem like we’re being a sick person? Does it seem like we’re beating someone who is already so beaten up by life that it’s almost too much to continue our beating? Does it seem like we’re beating a wooden figure, someone who is so numb and detached that he or she can’t feel a thing? Does it seem like we’re beating someone with absolutely no awareness or understanding of what he/she has done? Does it seem like we’re beating someone who is barely hanging on? Are we beating a depressed wreck? Are we beating an empty vessel?

Once we become aware of any of these scenarios, the urge to continue beating goes away. Awareness enlightens us. Our compassion takes over and we realize that we must stop. In time we can start forgiving simply because we realize that the individual we’re beating is a complete mess and most likely fails to know what it is he/she is doing. This is reminiscent of Jesus’ statement from the cross, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”